Military Funny songs / jokes

[Hellkite]

Just good fun From this Air Force "puke"

 

[Hellkite]

WW ll veteran pilot is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like. "So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I couldn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."

The teacher interrupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of fighter airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the allied bombers and their escorts."

"Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"

 

[Hellkite]

The Old Pilot Choice

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

 

[Hath]

A company of Army soldiers is out on a run. They come to the bottom of a hill and the hear "One, two, three, four I love the Marine Corp! And the Army SUCKS!" The Army Captain gives the order "First platoon up that hill and get that Marine!" Up they go and the Captain hears all kinds of fighting. After a few minutes he hears "One, two, three, four I love the Marine Corp! And the Army SUCKS!" So the Captain orders "Second platoon up that hill and get that Marine!!" Up they go and the Captain hears all kinds of fighting. Then after a few more minutes he hears "One, two, three, four I love the Marine Corp! And the Army SUCKS!" So a now pissed off Captain orders "Third platoon up that hill and get that Marine!!!!!" Up they go and the Captain hears all kinds of fighting. He then hears "One, two, three, four I love the Marine Corp! And the Army SUCKS!" Just as he is about order more soldiers up the hill a badly beaten private comes down the hill and says "Don't send anyone else up there sir. Its a trap. Theirs TWO of them!!

 

[Hellkite]

An Army Ranger looks to a marine and asks if he wants to here a joke about how dumb Marines are
The marine replies "the guy sitting next to me is a marine and so is the guy sitting next him, are you sure you want to tell that joke"

The ranger thinks then says "nah I don't want to explain it three times"

~ As told by General Mark A. Milley

 

[Hath]

Are all rangers jump qualified?

 

[Hellkite]

Are all rangers jump qualified?

Ranger being jump qualified isn't a requirement. However, for someone to be sent to Ranger School without being sent to jump school first is rare, but not entirely unheard of. But whom ever would be sent to jump school shortly after they pass Ranger school ASAP

In order to join the Ranger Regiment, you must:

• Be a U.S. citizen
• Volunteer for assignment and be on active duty
• Have a General Technical (GT) Score of 105 or higher
• You must qualify and volunteer for Airborne training.

Physical requirements:

• Pass the Ranger Fitness Test (58 push-ups, 69 sit-ups, five-mile run in 40 minutes or less, six pull-ups)
• Pass the Water Survival Assessment
• Complete a 12-mile march with a 35-pound rucksack and weapon in less than three hours.
• You must not have physical limitations (PULHES of 111221 or better).

In addition:

• You must enlist into or currently hold a Military Occupational Specialty found in the 75th Ranger Regiment
• You must be able to attain a Secret clearance
• You must not have pending UCMJ action or drug or alcohol related incidence within the last 24 months

The only persons who have gone thru ranger training without being jump qualified
were trainees during WWII they could been Glider-Borne Troops and that was really rare .

 

[Hath]

Ok so assuming that said ranger in your above joke is jump qualified if I was those three marines I wouldn't want him to explain anything to me. That hole jumping out of a perfectly good airplane thing. lol That equals jarhead logic right?

 

[Hellkite]

You do know that all branches personal can be jump qualified right and a good deal of the Jarheads are, in fact they number 2nd in the total of jump qualified after the Army. but are the jarheads are number one in window licking.

 

[Hath]

I did know that personal from all branches could be qualified. Just wasn't sure if all rangers had to be.

Your pic made me laugh. Thanks needed that. Marines do love em some snooze berries lol

And i got another stupid civilian question. Does the air force not show length of service on their uniforms?

 

[Hellkite]

No the current ones do not have " hash marks" on it

 

[Hath]

And you wonder why the air force demanded to be in its own branch lol

 

[Hath]

Tank catapult



Arty silencer

 

[Hellkite]

Careful now Hath your making fun of Terra's Heer.
The kitten mite take offence you would not survive his war like wrath.
One butt wiggle and it's on

Just ask Cabal what it like to find your self facing him in battle ​

@Terra_Inc
@CABAL

 

[Hath]

Sorry Terra! No offence meant. I don't want to get on the kittens bad side.

 

[Terra_Inc]

In any case, it might be of some interest what these devices actually are. The first one, as far as I can tell, is simply a tilt table. There's a couple things you can test with those, but I think this one is most likely for testing the radar signature of the vehicle.
The other one is relatively obvious, and accurately described - it's a silencer. Germany is a very densely settled country, and large caliber guns unsurprisingly make quite a bit of noise. So they use this with the really big guns to reduce the noise so it doesn't bother the people living near the firing range.

 

[Hath]

Ya I thought they probably used the tilt table to work on the bottom of the tank. Maybe work on the road wheels (are they still called that?) I hadn't thought about testing radar. Is there anything you can do to mitigate a tanks radar signature other that maybe radar absorbing paint?

Any idea about the wheeled landing craft? I just found them unloading the boat-car from a larger boat-car to be hilarious!

And so as not to completely derail Hellkites thread:
Three cowboys are riding in a pickup truck. Which one is the real cowboy? Is it the driver, the one in the middle, or the one riding shotgun?



(How do you add a spoiler?)

Its the one in the middle. He doesn't have to drive and he doesn't have to get the gate!

 

[Hellkite]

 

[Hellkite]

Okay back to topic


What does ARMY stand for?
(A)irforce (R)ejected (M)e (Y)esterday

---------

A general radios a colonel.
“Got any smart majors?”
“Quite a few! Why?”
“Can you send some over? I need to move around some furniture.”

----------
How do you knock out a marine while he’s drinking water?
Slam the toilet lid down on his head.

---------

What’s the difference between the Boy Scouts and the Army?
The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

---------
Three Marines are walking down the sidewalk and see a large pile of brown matter.
One scoops some of it up in his hand and says, “It feels like poop.” The other picks some up, puts it in his mouth, and says, “It tastes like poop, too.” The last marine picks some up and sniffs saying, “It smells like poop, as well.” The trio walks away, happy that none of them stepped in it.

________


​

@CrazyFrog1903

 

[Hath]

Thanks for the spoiler help Hellkite

 

[Hellkite]

You know that is a F-14 not a F-15 right so that a Navy fighter that they photo shopped



So wrong it funny

 

[Hath]

ITS PHOTO SHOPPED?! I would have never guessed. lol

But seriously I knew it was a F-14. The fact its a Navy jet is why its funny.

What I really want to know is what type of training plane is in the top pic. lol

And I got a few more for ya.




whats really funny is when i was considering join the military i was looking at joining the marines. So that bottom right pic is probably close. I would be cool thou and have a gladius! rotfl

 

[Hellkite]

So Hath your telling us you tried out for the Marines but fell just short of their requirements
So they put you in the Navy since you was a sub-marine.

 

[Hath]

lol i got to remember that sub-marine navy one.

And no i didnt enlist. I still have regrets about that. Still bothers me when i meet a service member, like i'm not worthy to be near them, here they went and fought for the country and me and what did i do? Jake Dren. How was i to know it was going to take close to a decade to blow away the POS terrorist! I figured 12 maybe 18 months and they would have his head on a pike. So the chances of me getting to be the one to put it there were slim. Have to do basic, then general infantry training, plus get selected to some special forces, ranger, 10 mountain (it was afgan), seals, or delta. I just couldn't see me as a raw recruit getting all that done so i could be on the pointy end of the stick. Plus i figured that we would end up in iraq and this cowboy (literally) didnt want his young country ass in a urban war! Unless i got to be the one to "paint" baghdad so you flyboys can turn it into a glass field with maybe one radioactive camel.

 

[Hath]

Yup if I had been a jarhead and got demoted this would have been my submarine schooling.



I would have only need a week or two of classes to get through step #1.

 

[Hath]

"FROM A KENTUCKY FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.

Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minchby a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noonwhen you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.
The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in SilverLake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail

 

[Hath]

THE WINE TASTER

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started
looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building...

EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.
A retired Marine sergeant named “Gunny”, drunk and with a ragged dirty
look and smelling of last night's rounds, strolled by the building and saw the sign.
He went into the building to apply for the position.

Aghast at his appearance, the director wondered how to send him away but, to be
fair, he gave him a glass of wine to taste. The old "jarhead" held the glass up to his
left eye, tilted his head toward incoming sunlight and studied the contents looking
through the glass. He then took a sip and said, "It's a Southern California Muscat,
three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Somewhat
low-grade but acceptable." "That's correct," said the boss. Glancing at his assistant
he said..."Another one, please."

The old Marine took the goblet, full of a deep red liquid, stuck his nose into the glass,
sniffed deeply and took a long slow sip....rolling his eyeballs in a circle, he then
looked at the director and said... "It's a Cabernet Sauvignon, eight years old, south-
western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years
for the finest results." "Absolutely correct. A third glass." said the director.

Receiving another glass, again, the Marine eyed the crystal, took in a little bit of the
aroma and sipped very softly.... ''It's a pinot blanc champagne, very high grade and
exclusive,'' said the drunk calmly. The director was astonished and winked at his
assistant to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a wine
glass half-full of urine.

The old Sergeant eyed it suspiciously...a color he could not quite recall.
He took a sip, swishing it over his tongue and across his teeth, musing upward all
the while ... "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the
job, I'll name the father."

NEVER - EVER ..... UNDERESTIMATE THE TALENTS OF A MARINE !!!

 

[Hellkite]

Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)
And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space Balls" from here on out.

_________

What does sex and the U.S. Military have in common?
When you pull out at the wrong time you end up wasting 20 years and a lot of money


_________

Ireland Declares War on France
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

The President paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back.

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. President, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry
equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" The President asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's tractor."

The French President sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. President, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

The French President was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air
missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin' to ya Mr. President. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says the French President. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners!”

_________

An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...
She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

_________

Did you hear about the German military's new Cyber Force?

It's called the Softwehr.
@Terra_Inc

 

[Hath]

lol but wouldn't it be more like 19 years and 11 months?

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - U.S. Air Force Manual

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur

'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.' - U.S. Marine Corp Master Gunnery Sgt.

'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance

'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Marine Recruit

'If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.' - USAF Ammo Troop

'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.'

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'

'Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club.'

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies.'

'Never trade luck for skill..'

'Never trade skill for luck...'

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: 'Why is it doing that?', 'Where are we?' And 'Oh S...!'

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'

'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks 'What happened?'. The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!' - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

 

[Hath]